Hi, my name is Barack Obama, and just for this one night in Tuscon, I have decided to throw aside all the flimflam I have been shooting at you for the last seven years and do what you elected me to do: tell the truth.

You know that Congresswoman Gabby, lying in the hospital with half her head sheared off? Well, a few months ago, while she was campaigning for re-election as a Blue Dog Democrat, she bragged that she knew how to carry and use a Glock. Guess what, folks? She was shot with a Glock.

And you know the demented weasel Jared who shot her? Well, he was brainwashed by the same entertainment industry moguls, who sell thousands of violent video games, who hosted fundraiser after fundraiser for me so I could represent their interests as President. Let's have a shout out for Time Warner!

You know my man Jared filled out 65 applications for retail jobs at Taco Bells and Radio Shacks, and didn't get even one response. His parents couldn't sell their house because of the mortgage meltdown, so consequently the three of them, like millions of "underwater" Americans, just stopped giving a shit about each other, and, heck, even me, Barack Obama. Can you imagine that?

The alleged assassin Jared went so bonkers and over the edge that he started to believe that U.S. currency is worthless, driven into valuelessness by our overwhelming trade deficits with dictatorial governments like China and Saudi Arabia. I mean, didn't Jared get the $300 tax rebate my administration sent out to 190 million American households last June? Then there are the guns. I believe in the Second Amendment as much as Governor Palin.

Look at the record: I, Barack Obama, actually supported the recent Supreme Court decision to overturn the District of Columbia's 100 percent ban on firearms on Second Amendment grounds. Let's face it, if Americans can't arm themselves to the teeth, so that the occasional random shooting and killing of innocents won't reinforce fear in the lower classes, so that they will continue to believe in Oprah and Dr. Phil and all the other mass media gurus who love me and give me money, then what is democracy for?

You know, the one issue that America never discusses is class, the gap between the rich and the poor, the rip-offs of blue-collar Americans promulgated by the banks. And the fact that more of your sons and daughters are getting killed in Afghanistan under me than under George W. Bush.

But let me tell you something, fellow citizens, to have class you gotta be classy. That's me and my media / banking / military plutocrat buddies. How dare a no-class, low class dweeb (but a good consumer!) like this Jared shoot an elite Congresswoman who is, you know, married to an astronaut? I mean, what would they say back at Harvard?

Well, you will forget his name soon enough. I mean, can any of you name the guy who shot up the campus of Virginia Tech? You know, the Asian guy? But make sure your remember Snooki and 50 Cent and the names of most of Tiger Woods' girlfriends. For that's what makes America great: voting for me, financing the deficit and once in awhile, grabbing a gun and some bullets.

As long as I am not the victim, I can live with it.

CHARLIE FINCH is co-author of Most Art Sucks: Five Years of Coagula (Smart Art Press).